If it had been a little worse
by animeatemyfeels
Summary: What if the world had treated Naruto a little bit worse. How could you have reacted any less different if the whole world has been telling you that you are worthless from the day you were born? Trigger warning: Suicide, Suicidal thoughts. (One-shot maybe?)
1. Naruto

DISCLAIMER: PROPERTY OF MASASHI KISHIMOTO NOT ME. TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS. What would you have done if the world was telling you not to exist?

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It started when he was 5 years old. He had just turned 5, not that anyone but Jiji had wished him happy birthday. The stinky old lady who ran the orphanage decided he was old enough to live on his own and kicked him out. It was dark that night, with no moon, and he was so scared. All he had done was try and take a cookie from the kitchen because it was his birthday so he should get a sweet, right? (he never got anything like the other kids) All the other kids had gotten one so he thought maybe the Matron had forgotten like she forgot to give him food sometimes. But she got so angry at him (he thought she was going to kill him). He didn't know why she was always so angry at him (he was a kid, a baby, why did they hate him why why _why_ ). She never smiled, or hugged, or picked him, or even _looked_ at him like the other kids. She even liked that bully Takumi and he was always breaking things!

He didn't want to burden Jiji so he kept quiet and lived in a dumpster for a week. By then he was scrawnier than before and he could feel his body eating itself (a dark corner of his mind whispered that he deserved this but he ignored it). It was ok though; he was used to it. He was used to the hunger because sometimes the Matron forgot to feed him. When she did feed him, sometimes the food smelled bad and a little voice in his head told him not to eat it even though he was so _so_ hungry.

It would take another week for the weirdo's in masks to find him and bring him to Jiji. He hadn't been able to eat anything or sleep really well so when the weirdo with a deer mask put him down, he kinda just crumpled. He doesn't remember anything after seeing Jiji's horrified face. (He ends up in the hospital for a month before they kick him out)

After that he gets his own apartment! He's so excited! Because it's so cool and he can see the Hokage monument and it's all his! (he doesn't realize how lonely it is until a week later when he makes ramen and the only thing he can hear is himself) He is only 5 years old. He tries to make food but he can't reach the stove. The only thing he can make is some cup ramen because sometimes the weirdo mask guys help him reach the kettle (it's the dog masked one, he had spiky silver hair). Sometimes he tries to go buy groceries but the stupid shop owners just chase him out like he's a rat (he learns that some vendors will let him buy things but only if it's really late and no one's around).

He hangs out at the park sometimes. Most of the time he hides in the trees because the adults scare him. But sometimes when the adults are around he goes down and sits on the swings. One time he got to play with some other kids. It was the happiest day of his life and he couldn't stop smiling all day. But the next day, when the kids came back, they hated him. Their parents had told them to hate him and hate him they did (He was only 5, he never did anything bad, why why _why_ ). The nice girl who pushed him on the swings yesterday called him a monster and threw a rock at him. The boy who he thought was so cool sneered at him and told him he was useless scum. He had started crying and the jeers returned with a furious passion (stop please please just _stop_. He wasn't a bad person was he?). He ran all the way home and didn't leave for 3 days.

His birthdays where always the worst. For as long as he could remember, people would always be worse to him. It's like a curse. He had forgotten what day it was (he turned 6 today and all he could think about was how he was going to be able to eat that day) and foolishly gone outside. Everywhere he went, people glared at him, called him names. Some of the bolder drunks actually threw their bottles at him (not like a it would have made a difference, he always had bruises from other people). He was stupid and let himself get cornered. He was 6 and he gotten beaten within an inch of his life on his birthday. He could feel the broken leg and see the blood coming from multiple wounds. The weird masked guys showed up just as the guy with the knife had been about to stab him (a significant part of him was angry that the masked guys had stopped him from dying).

He stayed in the hospital for 2 months. Eventually he had to leave. He had almost forgotten about the glares and the anger. Then there it was again. He couldn't deal with it ( _please please what did he do please stop it_ ). His feet took him to the top of the Hokage monument. At first he didn't know why he was here. He could see the twinkling lights of the village and the beautiful sun as it set. All he could think, was that it made such a pretty picture without him in it. He HATED himself. Why was he still alive, he was a nuisance, scum, who didn't deserve to _live_. Everyone always said that. They hated him and he was the cause of everything bad. He was bad luck. It would be better if he was _dead dead dead_. Then Konoha would be better, he loved his village and hated himself for making it bad. Everyone hated him and he hurt everyone. They always look sad when they see him, including Jiji. His feet took him to the edge of the monument. He took in on last breath. Looked at the village one last time (Kami it was so beautiful why did he ruin everything). Then he fell. He barely felt the impact.

He was in the hospital again, this time he was handcuffed to the bed. He didn't care because nothing mattered. Why couldn't he just die, everyone would be better off if he was dead. It will never ever get better. He deserved it, the pain. Jiji came in the room. He looked sad and old (oh kami he had failed again, I'm sorry Minato, Kushina).

"Why Naruto" he whispered, it was louder than a paper tag.

"Because I deserve to die" he whispered back.

Jiji looked like he had been slapped. He raised his hand and the masked weirdos appeared like magic (the silver haired one was there too).

The next few hours were a blur. He remembers someone putting ink on his back and blinding agony (it was a seal and his memories were gone but feelings stay forever). He never remembered those days, or how he tried to kill himself. But sometimes he would get those feelings, the urge to feel that weightless freedom (he never tried again but sometimes he would 'accidently' cut himself with a kunai).

Years later, after the war, the Kyuubi mentioned something about a seal on his back. He doesn't remember this seal. He releases it, that was a mistake. He remember and it burns. All the urges and sadness comes pouring back and _kami_ he almost died. Hinata would later find him standing in the exact spot where he jumped, just staring out at the world he made. It never leaves you, the pain, but if you share it with others it can get better. He eventually looks at his beautiful wife and gives her a heartbreaking smile. Yes, he thinks, it does get better.

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I think the ending was pretty uplifting considering the content maybe? Reviews are love Thank you!


	2. goodbye

Hi everyone this update is to tell you I am committing suicide, right now. I have taken a poisonous substance and hopefully I won't be alive for long. Sorry I won't be able to finish these stories. If anyone wants to adopt them please feel free. If you want any of the extensive notes I have on all of these stories please email theglowcloud13  and hopefully one of my family members will be kind enough to email you my notes. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to continue. Goodbye.


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